Something about the holidays always has me struggling with sadness. As we decorated our tree this year I was, as every year since 2005, missing Evan. The child I never was able to hold, kiss, smell that sweet new baby smell, a child that never had an ornament on the tree or a stocking on the mantle. The grief of losing our child has not gone away if you will, but gotten sweeter with time. It's no longer a raw burning pain. It has been 4 years. September 20th, 2005. Four years, 2 months and 16 days. My child would be 3 going on 4 now. Would Evan have red hair like Quin? Or blonde like Bren and Jackson? Jackson asked this morning on the way to church if our baby would be a baby in heaven or all 'growed up' when we get there. I do not know the answer to that question. 'How will I recognize my brother?' Jackson asked me- I dont know how. I just know we will. I am certain I shall see my child again. I praise God for that assurance, that peace, even as I miss the baby, I never got to hold, more this time of the year than ever. And I am thankful for the 3 I have gotten to hold and love, and for the sweet chubby little cheeked baby girl that made me smile all through service today.