Sunday, January 31, 2010

As for me I KNOW...

Tonight during devotions we were discussing heaven, and the  many questions that a 6, 5, and 3 year old will ask to go along with it. One is concerned that he will be bored in heaven without his bakugan, because surely God doesn't have THOSE. The only answer we could come up with is that God knows what we need, and if God thinks we need toys in heaven, He will have that covered. After that was settled, and a few more little questions the big one came up. "Will Evan be a baby still, or big like us?"
We lost Evan on September 20th, 2005. My oldest was 2 years and 7 months. My youngest was 1 year and 1 month. They don't remember much, other than asking why we 'had to give their sister back to God.' Jackson had been begging for a sister for a while, and well, we finally starting praying that if God wanted him to have a sister He would provide one. And He gve, and He took away. And Blessed is His name. 
 And tonight, even after 4 years and 4 months the tears  flow freely. They are still flowing. My son asked why I was crying over a baby we never knew.
Ah son, I knew my baby. Our baby.  I knew how my baby felt, I knew the hopes I had for my child, the fears I had of too many babies too soon, the worries of wondering if everything would be all right, and the pain of realizing everything wasn't all right. I still wonder- red hair or blonde? Blue eyes or hazel? Joyful? Bold and busy? Or quiet and thoughtful? Strongwilled? God knows my little Evan Avery. He knit my baby in my womb, and intimately knows my child. And one day, I know that I will know my child, too. In ways that I never had the oppurtunity to here on this earth. And until then, there will be nights like tonight that it hits me like a ton of bricks, and my husband will pray for me, and hold me, and remind me to be sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
I was reading Job last week and just love this verse.

As for me, I KNOW that my Redeemer lives, and that at last He shall take His stand on earth.
Job 19:25

My Redeemer has conquered death, And because I know this, I am comforted.

No comments: