Kicked around is how I feel. Like a soccer ball in front of a child's foot. Rolling to and fro on hard ground, fast, then slow, an 'oof' here and a 'whack' there. This week has me wanting to sleep to escape it. This week has me wanting to sit and feel sorry for myself, and my husband, and my sons. This week has me wanting to cry like a child who has lost their favorite toy.
And then the guilt rushes in. We still have our son, broken wrist and all. We still have 1 car, that DOES fit all of us, even if squished. My husband may have taken pay cuts since January equaling around $550.00 PER MONTH but he still has a job, we are not behind on our bills, our insurance is great and allows us to see who we want. I am thankful that, as my dear friend put it, I was able to think clearly (by God's grace) when my son was lying in a hospital bed- clearly enough to insist on a pediatric specialist of great rapport. I had a wonderful visit with my grandparents, and so did my sons. We made some great memories. My youngest may have asthma, it may have been bad on vacation, but it is controlled, even if bad and touchy at times.
My husband is actually somehow encouraged under all of this pressure that we can make it, grow closer still to each other, to God, that we can come out of this in the future with 2 cars, savings, and our family intact.
I keep thinking of Hebrews 12:6
FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
I am a child of God!
For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
I used to think that discipline was always because I had done something wrong. Then I realized when my own children came along that discipline is many things.
1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.
2. To train by instruction and practice, especially to teach self-control to.
3. To teach to obey rules or accept authority.
4. To impose order on: needed to discipline their study habits.
I discipline my children to teach them necessary life skills. At 2, 5, and 6 they are responsible for putting away their own laundry. They pick up after themselves, they help with household chores, yard work, etc. I am in the business of raising responsible young adults. I pray my sons follow the Lord, but if they don't they still need skills in life to get through, to hold a job, to keep house.
My sons don't like having to learn these things, they HATE laundry, dislike homework at times, and don't ever want to sit still in church. They think it's silly to practice being polite, I say they NEED to know such things. And it is only by discipline these skills will come.
So I ask myself- what, where is My Lord trying to teach me discipline in all of this? Where is he trying to teach my self-control? What lessons am I so needing to learn that the best way for me to learn them is through these trials? How is all of this affecting my witness?
I realize I can learn self control in spending. I have never been one to have to have the best, the most expensive, etc. I am guilty of the little transactions here and there that DO add up. The fountain coke at Meijer(because let's face it, a fountain Coke is the BEST!), the t-shirt on sale that I don't really NEED, the nail polish shade calling my name, even though I already have 20 shades... Are they expensive things? No. Are they necessary? No. is it sin? Not necessarily. Unless I KNOW the Lord is asking me to be a wiser steward and I still spend that 1, 2, or 5 bucks anyway. If added them up over the course of my 28 years they would probably total the cost of a nice used car. *SIGH*
I feel as if the Lord has been asking both Shaun and I lately to focus on family, to spend more time at home than away, more time together. Now we have no choice...
I know God is working on our values, too. Where does my treasure lie? Needs verses wants? Do we NEED 2 cars? Do we NEED a bigger house? Do we NEED new fall clothes?
I know God has been working on my husband as much as me. I see it in the little things and the big. I see how he has become more patient, more willing to let things roll off his back, and KNOW God is in control.
I sit here and realize that it is out of LOVE that God is molding me, shaping me. I thank Him for loving me enough to want me 'to be all I can be'. Even though it's tough, even though it hurts, even though I wish my children were left out of it because I hate to see them hurt... I'm thankful He is there to pick me up off that field, dust me off and hold me after being kicked around.
And that it's okay to cry, too.
For God keeps record of my tears.
You have taken account of my wanderings;Put my tears in Your bottle Are they not in Your book?
Catch my tears God, show me your mercies are new every day!